I would like to apologize to anyone who saw me at church this morning and was brought down by my pitiful attitude. I literally cannot help myself. The only one who can help me is God and I have asked him to so if I’m a Debbie Downer, well, take it up with Him because I don’t know what to tell you.
I have been struggling lately. Spencer and I are both wearing thin on the sleeping arrangement we have and are getting worn down from the feeling of just pushing through and surviving life instead of living it.
Let me take this moment to make this disclaimer: I am incredibly grateful for the supportive husband I have and for the two healthy boys God had blessed us with. I know so many people have it so much harder in so many ways and for some, raising babies is nothing but pure joy. But it is hard for me. It stretches me. But I haven’t broken apart yet so I guess that’s the victory here. I’m here. I get as tired as anybody listening to everyone complain about their first world problems. I get tired of myself because my head has things straight, my emotions just don’t. And I can’t make myself get in a good mood.
Yesterday morning I cried when only Case and I were up because I read some dumb blog, just one of the millions, that proclaimed motherhood is enough and that we shouldn’t feel like we aren’t “accomplishing” anything. No, duh. Raising a kid is accomplishing a lot. But you don’t get a raise or a plaque and really you can’t impress anyone with it because billions of others have done it too. So, I have a pride issue. I like to have a task to do and then do it really well and then have that recognized. And feel special. A regular job is much more suited for filling up that selfish need I have. I already know motherhood is enough, it’s just hard to gauge your progress or your successes and failures.
Don’t worry, I also cried one day because Faith Hill’s “I can’t do this anymore” came on the radio and I so identified with this line “Now you’re Mister Successful” because I get jealous sometimes of this career Spencer is building and then the line “and I’m Queen of the Treadmill just trying to stay the size you think that I should stay” and I fell apart because not only am I not Misses Successful, I’m also not Queen of the Treadmill. I can’t even figure out how to exercise! Shouldn’t a housewife at least exercise?! Oh, Lord, I’m just fat and frumpy and I don’t DO anything!
I cried today because this morning before church, I watched Dr Charles Stanley and his sermon was on overcoming anxiety. And I didn’t even want to go to church but I had to take a book to someone who needed it for her Sunday school lesson. Then the Sunday school lesson in my class was how to cope with feeling overwhelmed and depression. And so I was on the verge of tears and left before church just in case the sermon was on not being a whine bag or ungrateful or something.
In class we were talking about praising Him in the valley and how we can feel abandoned and how that is when our faith can do the most growing. And I know that’s right. But my flesh pushes against it. I just want to sleep and feel good. And I want to know what I’m supposed to learn because I will gladly learn it as quickly as possible so all this can go away.
(There are numerous unrelated stressful things I’m dealing with right now- you know, when it rains it pours- but I have no doubt things would seem much less daunting if I was rested.)
Anyway, I was thinking about a time in my life when it seemed like all my prayers were being answered left and right. It was glorious. And I was wondering why that happened then but in some of my more recent hard times I have felt so alone. And I mean, who am I to be able to figure that out for sure? But what I think is that I was so immature in my faith then, that it couldn’t stand much testing. So God was giving me all this encouragement to grow my confidence in Him. And then when I had so many instances that I could never deny His faithfulness, it was time to grow.
And now when it seems my help is gone, I know that it isn’t. When I was giving birth to Case, I was in so much pain and so scared that I literally cried out for Jesus to help me. But no relief came for hours. And later when we were talking about that, Spencer said “but He didn’t.” And I replied “but He didn’t.” I mean, maybe He did, but we couldn’t discern it. So all I could say is that I don’t know why. I know He heard me and I know He works all things together for my good so apparently it was right for me to keep feeling scared and in pain for awhile.
And I guess that’s how it is now. So maybe while I continue to just only put one foot in front of the other, I will learn to be content and wait to see what He is doing. It is always a new thing. So while I feel like crap all the time right now, I already know that someday I won’t anymore.
Thank you, Lord.
(Additional disclaimer: I really, really, really don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. I know I need an attitude adjustment. I just like to write and share because that helps me get it straightened out for myself. I had no idea what this post would say until it was already written. So while you can save your sympathy for someone who is worse off than me, I would still love to have your prayers. Please.)