There’s a praying mantis living on my tv. It’s creepin’ the crap outta me. It wouldn’t be that big of a deal except that it tried to attack me yesterday.
I know that picture is blurry. That’s what happens when your crappy pawn shop camera is on full zoom and your hands are shakin’ like that sorostitutes booty on Thursday night at Dirty’s. But, that’s a different kind of scary. More along the lines of, “what is this world coming to?” and “Oh, Sweet, Jesus, please don’t let this be America’s future.” Anyhoo…the praying mantis. At first, I thought praying mantises and walking sticks were the same. They aren’t, according to my friend, Chip West. Praying mantises, despite their innocent hand gestures, are vicious.
Actually, Smokey and I were almost killed yesterday. I, being the bored person that I am, thought it would be funny to get an up-close pic of the cute little bugger. However, I must’ve forgotten that I sold my DSLR (good camera) to pay the rent when I was out of work and now have a pawn shop (not that good) camera. So, for the pic to be up-close, I had to be up-close also. It let me snap a few and then it stood up on it’s back legs and was waving it’s hands at me. Even better! Little did I know that this is a praying mantis’s lead up to, “I’m about to be all over you like a spider monkey.” So, when it took flight and came straight at my face, I did a triple-axle, backhandspring lutz over the top of Smokey (who was laying DIRECTLY behind me, of course) while screaming like a banshee. After all that excitement, and me catching my breath, I looked for the demon and couldn’t find it. I assured myself that it was on top of the fan and had probably made it’s way to the attic by now. Besides, what bug in it’s right mind would come back after that traumatic episode?
Apparently, this praying mantis took his boldness vitamin this morning because he was BACK ON MY TV. I know what he wants. But I’m not falling for it. Nope, I will stay right here on my couch and keep an eye on him until Spencer gets home. I’m not normally the girl who’s afraid of bugs. But this ain’t your normal bug. This one’s got an axe to grind. And don’t think I’m gonna let him grind it on me. No, sir. I’m prepared today. I’m prepared to feel itchy all day until Spencer gets here. Then that bugs gonna be sorry! And then we will watch Teen Mom. Cause there’s a new full episode on MTV.com.