Fatty, Fatty 2 x 4

I have just had one of the worst days I’ve had in a really, really long time. In fact, I’m actually laying in bed sobbing as I type. I thought maybe I’d feel better if I told the whole Internet my problems. I don’t know why. Anyway, before you panic, I should say that no one has died, been diagnosed with a disease, been injured or even had a cramp (That I know of. It is kind of doubtful that anyone would alert me if they had a cramp, I guess.) No, my problem is nothing so terrible, even though it really does feel bad.

Here’s how my doctors appointment went today:

Me: “How much weight have I gained?”
Nurse: “Do you promise not to freak out if I tell you?”
(Obviously, nothing more needed to be said after this but for some reason we carried on.)
Me: “No. How much?”
Nurse: “Well, it really doesn’t matter. You’re beautiful! Isn’t she beautiful (to Spencer)?”
Me: “Thanks, but yes, it does matter. I need to know if it’s too much. Is it too much? I don’t know how much is okay.”
Nurse: “Alright, but really don’t worry about it. Sometimes you gain a lot in the beginning and then it evens out. Okay, now remember, you’re beautiful. Don’t freak out.”

And then she told me. And I freaked out. But only inside my head. The thing is, I have a scale so I already knew that I had gained 18lbs since my first visit. The bad part is that about 15 of it has been within about six weeks or so. I just didn’t realize that was enough to make a nurse basically have a panic attack when she had to break the news to me.

I’m humiliated. I’m embarrassed because it seems like I must just sit on the couch and eat Cheetos all day. The nurse even said “Just try to take a walk now and then.” Seriously? Because I’ve been getting up at 5:30am to workout. Not walk. Workout. No, not every day because sometimes I’m just exhausted. And no, I haven’t eaten perfectly but honestly, I don’t eat any more than I always do.

I just can’t stand this pressure of constantly having to bust my butt and analyze each bite that goes in my mouth. You would think with as much as I worry about my weight, I would get to be skinny once in my life. I was so scared to get pregnant because I knew this would happen. I knew it would just be out of control and I’d get fat again.

I did not, however, realize that once again seeing the number on the scale I saw three years ago when I started trying to lose weight would destroy me like this. All I can think about is how hard I worked- I worked SO hard
– and how it’s going to be even harder this time to get it off and I don’t know how long it will take and I’m terrified.

And I’m sorry that I’m a jerk because I have a healthy baby inside me but I’m worried that everyone thinks I’m fat. Especially Spencer.

I just wish the nurse wouldn’t have had a melt down and I wish my Dr. wasn’t busy with an emergency c-section and he could have calmly told me what to do.

I know it’s fine and all I can do is try to be healthy and never drink a Coke or eat anything that tastes good again. It’s just so hard. And so unfair. And I guess that’s just life.

I’ll let you know how the next appointment goes. The plan is to not gain one ounce by that appointment and actually, if I lost some water weight between now and then that would really help.

It would also help if everyone could just feel sorry for me and say a prayer for my fat butt.

5 thoughts on “Fatty, Fatty 2 x 4

  1. Porter Pond Farm

    I won’t feel sorry for you, but I can sure empathize! I only gained 28 pounds with my first and the doctor fussed all the time. He told me to take my lunch to work, so I did, and I gained too much. He asked me what I was eating and when I told him PB&J, he said to leave off the J and the bread! But when that baby girl got here, she was so gorgeous….it’s all worth whatever you go through, I promise! I will say a prayer for you to enjoy this magical time in your life and that you and your baby are healthy!

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  2. Amber

    Heather you are beautiful just remember the weight is making your baby healthy and is good for him. A lot of times it comes off easier than you think. A friend of mine had twins and was a bigger girl to begin with and before 6 weeks were gone after giving birth she was smaller than before she got pregnant (she breastfed which helped tremendously). But it will all work out in the end!!!!!

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  3. Katy

    Don’t worry about the weight. It will just stress you out and that is bad for the baby! Just tell the nurses that you don’t want to know and have Spencer hide your scale at home. As long as you are exercising and eating (mostly) right, then don’t worry what the numbers on the scale say. I gained SEVENTY pounds with Toby and we both turned out alright! Try to relax and enjoy the pregnancy.

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  4. Tabi

    Oh Heather–don’t even worry about the weight (even though I KNOW it is so hard not too). I got the biggest lecture of my life while pregnant because I gained 10 pounds in 1 month!!!! Seriously?!?! Do you even KNOW how crazy a pregnant girls emotions are?!?!? But for reals, you know when you hold your precious boy for the first time, the weight will be the furthest thing from your mind! Keep your head up girl!!!! You are doing all the right things for you and that sweet baby!!!

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  5. The Forgotten

    Oh, I remember how that was so scary. Our oldest is pregnant with our first grandchild and she is absolutely beside herself about gaining any kind of “baby” fat. It will be okay, I promise you. I lost all of the 40 pounds after the first girl and most of it after the second. (Don’t look at me know though, I have no pregnancy to fall back on.)

    http://crbh-ruminations.blogspot.com

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