As an extra special treat, we have for today… a little mommy news! How excited you all must be. Riiiight.
First of all, I am still fat. To all the people who told me that breast feeding was going to take care of it: Stay away from me because I feel very slappy. BUT, I lost two pounds over Thanksgiving so I’ve realized that I obviously need to be eating more gravy, stuffing and pie if I want to lose weight. I haven’t exercised in about a month. Pathetic, I know, but I really don’t feel bad about it because I think it’s ludicrous to spend precious energy exercising when you are going on three hours of sleep. Luckily the last few nights Jack has slept much better so once my body adjusts and is able to sleep more than three hours, we will be back on the workout train.
Next of all, I finally faced the fact that I was suffering from post-partum depression and that I wasn’t able to fix it myself (Seriously, Tom Cruise, I tried). And for some reason, no amount of praying was getting rid of it, either. I do think that was for a reason. Everyone should know that PPD rarely means you have psychotic or violent thoughts. So, don’t worry. No one was in danger. I know that’s kind of the first thing you think of. But sometimes I did have fantasies of running through the house destroying everything in my path, breaking windows and ripping off cabinet doors. But Spencer said he did too one night after he stubbed his toe, so either he also has PPD or sleep deprivation makes us both feel destructive. So, now I’m on happy pills and things are better. They don’t make me crazy cheerful when I’m exhausted, but they do help me not spiral into a pit of hopelessness and despair. So, that’s good.
What is a little concerning to me is the whole process of me getting these pills. My doctor told me in the hospital that if I felt depressed after the first couple weeks, to call him. Well, I didn’t call him because I had an appointment with him at four weeks. He asked if I felt sad. I said yes, sometimes. He said, “Well, I think you’re okay. You’re put together and the baby looks good. Call me if it gets worse.” So then I’m thinking that since my baby was clean and I had on lipstick, I must not be too sad. I actually realize now that it was the opposite. I was trying really hard any time I went anywhere or saw anyone to look put together. This is somewhat unlike me. I usually don’t mind going out with minimal makeup and my hair in a ponytail. I was either trying to convince myself or everyone else that I had a handle on things. Or maybe both. Okay, so fast forward about four more weeks and I called the doctor’s office and asked if the birth control they put me on could be making me depressed. They said no but that I could come in if I wanted to talk to the doctor about possible PPD. Nah, I’m not a depressed type of person. Okay, so after verbally abusing Spencer one morning for leaving some breast milk out on the counter to ruin (seriously, I value that stuff like it’s gold), I sucked it up and called the doctor’s office again and said I was pretty sure I had PPD. I told them I didn’t want to come in for an appointment because I live so far away and taking Jack up there with the possibility of him screaming the whole way (there was about a week where he HATED the car seat) was just going to make it worse. Okay, so they just called me in a Rx to the pharmacy like no big deal. I found that strange. The first couple of days were BAD. I swear it made everything five times worse. But then it was okay and after a couple weeks, I think it is helping. I have a doctor’s appointment next month so he can check up on me. I don’t anticipate staying on this medicine forever but I don’t know how long PPD usually lasts? I know breast feeding makes your hormones crazy so maybe when I’m done breast feeding? I guess I will discuss that in a few weeks.
I realized that my problems are most always related to a lack of sleep. When he was sleeping through the night, I didn’t feel as bad. Sleep deprivation affects everyone differently, I guess. Also, basically everything in my life changed and I’ve never been one to handle change well. I need time to adjust. Anyway, I thought I should share that in case anyone else is facing it and feeling alone.
That’s all the mommy news for today! Happy Thursday, people!