Welp, here it is 9:15 and I’m still in my night gown, sitting down to write rather than be a productive member of this household. The path of destruction left by the toddler tornado needs to be picked up, laundry needs to be folded, I need a shower and who really can say for sure when the floor got vacuumed last? But I’m using nap time to write a blog. Because I’m a communicator, people. I need to talk to my peeps. Er, write to my peeps. I mean, type to my peeps. By the way, when are we just going to drop the word “write” from our vocab? It’s really not accurate anymore. Kind of like “video tape.” As in, “I wish I would’ve video taped Jack’s first swim.” Well, you know what I mean but my grand-kids are gonna be totally confused by that phrase. Also, toy phones. I mean, toy phones do not look like the phones we use. But, I digress. Reel it in, Brown.
I’ve been doing some reflectionating lately mainly because of social media. I follow a whole bunch of preachers, evangelists, churches, etc on FB. It’s very helpful. I learn things. Mainly I get snippets of information which gives me ideas and questions which helps me decide what part of the Bible to be studying. Because the Bible is very long, y’all. There are a lot of things in it so I find it somewhat overwhelming at times. Anyway, so sometimes I share their posts. Recently I’ve been getting the feeling that some people feel like I’m starting to think I’m pretty saintly. Which is not the case. I just think that if these posts are helpful to me, they might be to others as well. But, since I am on a journey of learning and growing in my faith (rather than standing still like I was for several years), I want to discuss my thoughts on an area that has had a major impact on my life: ALCOHOL.
I used to drink A LOT. I was probably half in the bag in that profile pic up there. If you visited the town of Stillwater between the years of about 2006 and 2009, you probably saw me skipping drunkenly down the streets high-fiving people. Or something like that. Because I’m a pretty happy drunk. Then, I moved to OKC and continued the party. Mainly because I was bored. I started drinking heavily out of depression because of some major life changes that were just very stressful. It was an escape. And I made a lot of bad decisions then. And I didn’t even realize what I was doing. I had no idea what feelings I was feeling until after I’d gotten past it. But, when I was past it, the drinking continued. It had become a habit and I really didn’t know how to pass time any other way anymore. I did try to slow it down. Because I was starting to realize how much valuable time I was wasting (between the actual drinking time and the recovery time) and how much money I was spending. It was pointless but I still didn’t stop. And I was still suppressing any feelings of guilt because I knew what I was doing was sinful but since I couldn’t quit (on my own, mind you. I was too scared to ask God to make me quit because then I really might quit and what was I going to do then?), I just told myself I wasn’t doing any harm to my fellow man and so it was fine.
Now, a note about knowing it was sinful. Alcohol is not inherently evil. If you drink a beer or have a glass of wine, I don’t think that automatically means you are sinning. If it did, then it would be clearly stated in the Bible. However, if you are a Christian, you will know at what point you are sinning with alcohol. The Holy Spirit will tell you and it’s up to you if you listen or not. (Obviously if you’re not a Christian then this doesn’t apply to you and feel free to get as drunk as a skunk if you want). There are verses that address this and we are clearly not supposed to get drunk and we all know that it does lead to debauchery. Alcohol lowers inhibitions but inhibitions are there for a reason. So, my advice is, don’t kid yourself.
Now, how did I quit? Got pregnant. It’s not like I overcame my sin. And, I have drank since Jack’s been born. Actually, when I was struggling with post-partum depression I wanted to drown in alcohol. I literally had to fight myself not to stop at the bar one afternoon on the way to the grocery store when Spencer was home with Jack. If you feel like this, you really may need to talk to a doctor or a counselor. Luckily, my medicine evened me out long enough for my hormones to quit attacking my brain and it’s fine now (I’m off my meds and back to being myself). Now, I have no desire to ever get wasted again. It’s not worth it to me anymore and I thank God for that. Spencer and I have both prayed about it and He has helped us. I still might have a drink or two now and then and I feel peaceful about that because I do not have the urge to keep going anymore. I have an “off” switch now that wasn’t there before.
So, there. I have bared my soul for the world to see. The whole point of sharing all this is to acknowledge my wild past. I don’t want anyone to think I’m putting on a show or pretending to be perfect. I used to be drunk a lot. And that was not of God and I’m glad it’s over. So, when I’m sharing things from the Bible, please don’t think I’m preaching at you. I know I get pretty preachery sounding (that has been a life-long trait) with my “shoulds” and “rights” versus “wrongs” but I’m always talking to myself as much as everyone else. I like these topics and think they make us better people when we address them. I promise my intentions are just to share things that I think might help somebody because they’ve helped me and I sure don’t think I’m Miss Perfect. Mkay? Feel free to share your own thoughts. I promise I don’t get mad about questions/disagreements/discussion.
Baby’s awake-gotta go! Love ya!