What the fat pregnant ladies want to wear in the summer

Now that I’ve been very pregnant for two summers of my life (due dates of 8/16 and 9/13) I feel like I’m probably an expert at what clothes an oven cooking a bun wants to wear when it’s sweltering hot outside. It doesn’t take much to make me an expert on things, people.

I will admit that this summer hasn’t been bad. In fact, it’s probably been the most mild summer ever in the history of Oklahoma summers. But you’ll have to check the record books to know for sure. I’m just guessing here. BUT the summer I had Jack was the worst summer ever. We literally had at least 64 days over a hundred degrees that year and it was, like, 110 the day we brought him home. I don’t know if you know this, but an air conditioner can only  do so much when it’s that hot outside. Breast feeding was a real treat in an 85 degree house. I loved it. Anyway, I think if we combine and then divide these summers, we come up with the most normal, average summer there could ever be in the heartland of America. Which is where all the pregnant ladies are. 

So. I felt like all the maternity clothes makers who read my blog (which is a totally long and illustrious list) would probably appreciate if I told them how to do their jobs better. Here we go.

First of all, the best thing you can wear while pregnant in the summer is nothing. If we could get a law passed to allow that, though I support modesty as if I were born in 1862, I would be all for it. But it’s not looking too likely so let’s not dwell on it. But I do sleep naked when pregnant because 1. It’s hot and 2. None of my underwear fit.

Now let’s talk necklines. Why must they all be so plunging? When a woman is with child, those milk bags start to bulge. I understand this may be exciting for those who have never experienced large breastedness, but they could just enjoy them while they are laying in bed naked. For those of us who are not trying to show our areolas at the Dollar Store, we now have to wear a cami under every single top. I guess that’s fine if it’s winter but guess what, we are talking about summer here and WHO WANTS TO LAYER IN THE SUMMER? No one. One Sunday I literally said to Spencer “Sorry if anyone lusts over my breasts at church this morning, I’ve done all I can to contain them.” He was real worried about it as you can imagine. So, let’s get those necklines in check!

While we are talking about layering, I need to mention arm holes. All the sleeveless things have large arm pit holes which will show your bra (if you can find one to fit) so, again with the cami and/or a shrug of some sort. At this point, you could be wearing a bra, a cami, a top and something to cover your arm holes. Whew! I’m sweating just thinking about it. What would be wrong with a normal-sized arm hole or even a sleeve?

Also about layering: maternity pants have these lovely stretchy things on the top that come up over your belly to hold them up. They’re pretty comfy if you are just a fat person who wants to appear to wear pants that button when in fact, there is not button. However, if you are pregnant and it’s the summer time, you now inevitably have two layers over the belly (stretchy part of the pants + shirt). And guess what. That stretchy part of the pants is most likely either black or navy blue. And your shirt is most likely sheer (because I don’t know why). So, better wear a cami!! Seriously. It’s camis all day, errday, guys and gals.

It seems like the perfect solution to summer time pregnancy wardrobe woes would be a nice, cotton dress. You would be right unless your thighs touch. If they don’t, get the heck outta here. If they do, you’re going to be looking at some major chafing/heat rash if you wear a dress more than one day in a row.

So. Here’s what I’m wearing these days. It’s not cute but neither is me flying into a sweat- induced rage and ripping off all the layers while in line at Wal-Mart. Which is where I would be, buying myself some more $6 Danskin stretchy, cottony, loose shorts in size 2X. They are long enough and they stay up without squishing my belly (which I’m claustrophobic about) and I don’t need an extra layer over them. Pair those beauties in black or gray with a nice cotton Arizona brand v-neck (non-plunging) t-shirt (with sleeves) and you have a terrible-looking outfit that is both comfortable and practical. Also throw on some flip-flops in the next size up because your feet are probably too swollen for normal shoes.

Looking good!

2 thoughts on “What the fat pregnant ladies want to wear in the summer

  1. Stephanie

    Girl, I cannot imagine how miserable it must be to be pregnant in the summer here in OK! I am hot constantly and I’m not even close to pregnant!

    Have you tried swiping some deodorant on your inner thighs when you wear a dress? I did that last summer when I was trekking around Las Vegas in a cotton dress and it definitely helped with the chafing. Good luck staying cool!!

    Reply

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