Guess who has post-partum depression and anxiety again! Oh, yes! It’s me! (Wouldn’t that be weird if it was someone else and I was blogging about it?)
I truly thought I was in the clear because we were almost three months in before it reared its very ugly head and last time I was symptomatic right away. But, the good news is that I had almost three months of not feeling like crap and then when I did start feeling like crap, I recognized what was going on right away. So, I made an appointment and went and got the drugs. Apparently my brain does not handle these hormonal shifts in the best way. So, hopefully the same medicine that worked so well for me last time will work again this time and I’ll be able to stop taking it by summer.
But, before the Wellbutrin helps me feel well again, I’d like to use this messed up stuff in my head to get some insight into what maybe is always going on in there, just at a lower level. I feel like maybe I can try to recognize triggers/thoughts/emotions to work on things that I’m normally not even aware of.
One thing I have learned is that I am STRONGLY task-oriented. I “knew” I was from all those personality tests and things you do in college but the only evidence I had was how annoyed I was when I had to do a group project and everyone would start CHATTING during work time or how much it killed me for someone to hug me while I was in the middle of doing something. ACK! (but, seriously, has anyone ever hugged you while you’re doing the dishes or something? It’s like, what do I do with my hands? Should I just stand still until they are done? ) (not that I’m not grateful for someone to hug me. I mean, it’s a miracle that anyone ever would want to.) But I never thought about that in the aspect of having an infant around. I mean, you aren’t gonna get crap done. At least not like you used to. And it is really hard for me when I’m deep in a job that needs doing and someone wakes up early from a nap. I know that sounds so dumb, but it’s one of the things that can set me on a path for Cranky Town. Now, what can I do with this information? I don’t know but it can’t hurt to recognize it for what it is.
Selfishness. Selfishness. Selfishness. When I get overwhelmed and dragged down into a pity party, it’s always because I’m not getting my way and I’m focusing on myself. I noticed a long time ago that the most depressed people I know are also the most self-absorbed. I don’t know which one comes first. Maybe depression makes me turn my focus on myself and how my “needs” aren’t being “met,” but I suspect it’s the other way around. I get wrapped up in what I want and when I don’t get it, I am hurt or offended or resentful or whatever. I rationalize it by telling myself that the things I want are not extreme, but it doesn’t matter how reasonable they are, they are still about ME. Okay. Check. Let’s work on that.
I’ve also noticed that this heightened sense of anxiety has really revealed what I’m most freaked out by.
1) That my kids will come to some terrible physical harm
2) That I am not a good mom/wife/person
3) That people don’t (or do but they shouldn’t) like me because there is something wrong with me where I don’t think the same way as everyone else and therefore say things all the time that make people mad and I have no clue why
4) That I’m fat and ugly and I’m going to go bald and Spencer won’t leave me (because he is a man of character and not selfish like me) but he will not find me attractive. (This is because my postpartum body is awful and my hair has started to shed which only people who have had babies will understand- it’s really like it’s all falling out and I get a receding hairline for awhile and then I get new baby hairs sticking out everywhere)
5) That other women naturally know how to nurture and guide children gently and I don’t. I think I could help myself feel better about this one if I read some parenting books but please tell me when I might do that.
That’s all I can think of right now. I realize I have grossly over shared too much personal information but Hi. I’m Heather. Nice to meet you.