#Jasmergency

I just feel like this needs to be shared. (Clearly, I feel like everything needs to be shared. Always.)

It is the story of the day Jasby, the precious miniature horse whom I love, tried to kill us all. While she did not succeed in killing us all, she did manage to humiliate me and possibly emotionally damage a few others.

One hot day a week or two ago, Jack begged me to please get in his kiddie pool with him while Case was napping. I put on this terrible tankini style bathing suit from WAL-MART fall-apart and hopped on out there. Now, in case you are not a woman with a large bosom (or if you are and you didn’t already figure this out), women who have a lot of chest acreage to fence in, CAN NOT wear Wal-Mart bathing suits in public. They are not made with the kind of skill and quality craftsmanship it requires, much less the sheer amount of material.

But I was in my back yard. So, when Case woke up and we had a snack, I put the boys in the car so I could drive back in the pasture and unload my mini horse and chicken feed I’d purchased earlier that day. Well, as I drove through the gate, Jasby came out of the gate and into the yard. Being that Jasby is generally very hungry and very lazy, I didn’t imagine she would do more than mosey around to the front yard and sniff the grass up there. Actually, I was surprised she didn’t follow my car out to the building where I was dumping the feed.

So I got done and since she still wasn’t back, I grabbed her halter and lead rope as well as a feed sack (for luring purposes, in case you’ve never had to capture an escaped farm animal). I drove us back up to the drive way where I expected to see her rotund body milling around, but no. 😮

I drove to the road and looked both ways, trying to determine which direction she had gone. I was still expecting to see her ambling along the ditch. Actually, she was on a distant hill to the north, just trucking as fast as her short legs could carry her (which is actually quite a lot faster than you might imagine).

I’m not sure where she thought she was going or why but I have to assume she believed there was a miniature stallion or an ice cream truck or something down the road. Maybe there was. We will probably never know what Jasby the dreamer was chasing with all her miniature heart. Anyway, I took off as fast as I could toward her, praying she would stay to the side of the road (she really didn’t at all). When I got pretty close I stopped the car and got out and tried to call her to me but after she stopped and snorted at me, she just took off again, as fast as ever. A person or two had driven past at this point but I can’t describe them to you because I was looking at the ground hoping not to be recognized because I was wearing an ill-fitting and wholly inadequate bathing suit while chasing my mini horse down a road with a 1-year-old and 3-year-old who was in his whitey tighties roaming around freely in my car. And my body would not be described by anyone as “summer-ready.” But that’s really a small matter in the whole scheme of what was happening at that moment.

Eventually, when I was starting to get nervous that Jasby might make it to the highway (and, oh, yeah, I didn’t have my phone so I couldn’t call for herding help), a kind and generous woman stopped and asked if I wanted her to head Jasby off for me.  I hesitantly and half-heartedly told her she could try but I really didn’t believe it would work. Well, she put that ford taurus in gear and whipped around quicker than you could say “yeehaw.” She ripped down the road and pulled some kind of stunt-driver in a cop movie move where she pulled sideways across the road and actually did head Jasby off. So Jasby turned and ran down a long driveway that blessedly had a cattle guard. So, she stopped, turned around and looked at me,  and dropped her head to start grazing. It was all very nonchalant at that point and I honestly was a little offended that she felt like she could pretend it was no big deal.

I walked up and she waited while I put her halter on. As I bent over to pick up the feed sack near my feet, I caught a glimpse of my chest. I noticed the left side in particular because it was not covered by material. At all. I adjusted myself, took a deep breath and stood up to wave and shout a “thank you” to the woman and her two passengers. I need to find her address so I can send her a sympathy card for what she must’ve seen.

At this point, you may think the circus was over. It wasn’t. Now I had a pony on a rope and a car with two little bitties and I was about a mile from my house. And it was really hot. I ran through my options rather quickly (as there weren’t many) and realized I couldn’t walk Jasby home and come back for the kids and I couldn’t take the kids home and come back for Jasby. We all had to go together at the same time somehow. I was wishing I had a trailer hitch so I could tie Jasby’s lead rope to it and lead her behind the car that way but I didn’t. And I might take this moment to say that Jasby is very calm but she is not so sure about being right up close to a running, moving car. So, basically, I had to hang my arm out the window and slowly slowly slowly  (she was tired from her journey) drive home with the kids going nuts (this was an exciting moment for them) and try not to get my arm ripped off because it’s very hard to match your car speed with that of a mini horse trot. I can only thank the Lord above that no cars came flying down the middle of our road on a hill as is not unusual. However, a car did come behind me and they did ride my tail (which I don’t blame them for because I was driving at a snail’s pace) but then I had to stop the car and get out and lead Jasby to the back of my car so they could pass so that was just one more person who got to see the Wal-Mart suit and the pale overflow.

I think I have to move away now.

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